Father Of 4 Daughters Refuses To Sugarcoat His Instagram Pics, Has A Massive Following Online (New Pics)

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Having a large family is a blessing. But it’s not without its challenges! And the larger the family, the more dynamic, chaotic, and interesting your daily life tends to be. Simon Hooper, who is a father of four, documents the reality of living with five women at home on his super-popular Instagram account, Father of Daughters.

The photos and the stories accompanying them are absolutely brilliant and worth your time, dear Pandas, so go on, scroll down and have a gander and a read. There’s no sugarcoating. There’s no pretending that everything’s going perfectly when it isn’t. There’s just a dad who’s honest about what it’s like raising four daughters and the reality of having a family in the modern world.

This isn’t the first time that Bored Panda has featured Simon and his family. When you’re done enjoying this article, we cordially invite you to check out our previous two articles about the Hoopers. You’ll find them right here and here.

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"What goes 150mph without leaving the confines of isolation? A twin turbo powered cardboard box, that's what. Granted the aerodynamics were a bit rubbish & their road manners would bring about an instant driving ban, but thanks to a large Amazon box (that contained nothing for me FYI), I helped the girls leave the house & do a flying lap of the nurburgring without stepping a foot outside. Was the effort worth it? In a word - yes. They ate their lunch there, played in there and generally had the best day. The only negative - the constant noise of cars for 2 hours but I'll take that. Never underestimate the power of a cardboard box."

Image credits: father_of_daughters


"Had I known that volunteering to take all 4 girls swimming would result a public body shaming at the hands of my own off spring & a day light mugging by a vending machine that refused to fork over the poppets, I probably would have just stayed at home. It's not the swimming that I hate. It's the 10 minutes in the family changing cubicles I despise - A battery farm of naked families all contained in 6 by 6 ply wood boxes within inches of eachother - all arguing about who got mummy's pants wet, where that random plaster that little Timmy is licking came from and why no one has any sodding 20ps for the locker. Not content with this uncomfortable setting, my girls decided to very loudly state as I undressed - "look, look - it's daddy's willy!' This was closely followed by laughter from them, several others kids 1 cubicle over & a passing adult who couldn't contain themselves. Then to top it all, as my girls finished changing, they swung the door open &, as if in a budget red light district that specialised 35+ men who haven't exercised in a while, exposed me in my birthday suit to any passes by that fancied a free gander. No slush puppies today girls, daddy needs to leave this place immediately."

Image credits: father_of_daughters


"The list of 'Things to not do' with kids grows with each passing year - Don't give your kids the password to your phone, unless you want a phone bill with 3 zeros. Don't give them the wrong coloured cutlery unless you want to be on the receiving end of stares that could freeze the surface of the sun. Don't say "if you're still hungry, you can have fruit" unless you want a banana surgery removed from you eye socket & latest addition which we recently learnt - don't, under any circumstances, let your friend bring round a tiny Chihuahua puppy, let them hold it and fall in love in the space of 30 seconds, and then yank it away, unless you want an afternoon of Armageddon size tantrums and a constant stream of abuse about how mean you are for not buying a puppy that wasn't for sale in the first place. Lesson learnt."

Image credits: father_of_daughters

Simon’s an author who’s written up a book, ‘Dadlife: Family Tales from Instagram's Father of Daughters,’ about his adventure into the Land of Parenting. In it, he details what it’s like to live in a home while ‘outnumbered’ by women and his transformation from a ‘man-child’ into a full-fledged Dad with a capital ‘D.’

“This is the story of my journey into parenthood, from being a 24-year-old man-child with no idea of what being a dad involved, to where I find myself today: the single male representative in a household of five women, or in other words, outnumbered,” he writes about his book.


"There are 9 standard unwritten rules when it comes to bath time that all parents must learn & follow: 1). whoever runs the bath must milk it for as long as possible. Swishing the water to make bubbles & thereby extending this short stay-cation is completely allowed as its technically still doing the job. 2). You absolutely must make towers out of soapy hair & time how long it stays in position 3). If you're given a bubble beard, you MUST pretend to father Christmas complete with voice, even if it's June. 4). If you're on your own, you're totally aloud to skip bath time now and again as your other half will never know. As the old proverb goes "If a tree falls in the forest and no ones there to hear it, does it make a sound?" Same is true with bath time. Just ensure that you take steps to make it look like the kids touched water (i.e. splash some water around, move the bath Matt etc). 5). It doesn't matter how much you cover your tracks, they'll always find out you skipped bath time. 6). There is no such thing as too much conditioner when it comes to curly hair. 7). Never ever leave a full bottle of shampoo in the hands of child unless you want to return to £5's worth of product in the bath and an empty container 8). If you finish the bath with more than 50% of the water still in the tub, this counts as winning at life. 9).. It's totally ok to leave the kids clothes in a pile on the floor and forget about them, only to rediscover them the next evening. Have I missed any?"

Image credits: father_of_daughters


"This week my eldest has been doing sex education at school. Shes very mature about it & having a midwife as a mum, they know a lot more than your average kid, no 'front bottoms' or 'nunnys' in this house, it's strictly a 'vagina' affair (which coincidently would be a great title for a drama series on TV) That said, she's chosen tonight (when @mother_of_daughters is away) to ask questions about men which makes me feel like an embarrassed child, but i promised to tell her the truth. My personal favourites - "do you wear a condom daddy?" Me - "Yes". Then why do you have so many children? Touchè. "Have you and mummy had sex more than 3 times?" I laughed proudly - "Way more......like at least 9 or 10 times" ( I didn't want to come across as a sex crazied maniac). Can wait to until she asks if I've ever masturbated.....I will actually curl up in a ball and die."

Image credits: father_of_daughters


"team work makes the dream work. This is especially true if dream in question is to commit domestic based petty snack theft. And what better partner is there to have than your very own genetic clone - this enables the thieves to achieve things to couldn't do on their own, have water tight alibis and cause genuine confusion when in a police line up.  There are however some down sides: 1). these 2 obviously never watched an episode of CSI as the amount of forensic evidence Left at the scene could have filled a bin bag. 2). Double the people means double the noise - they were as subtly as a 1970's Elton John outfit. And finally, 3). when the caught in act, they immediately turned on each other to save their own skin - Lucky for them I still struggle to tell them apart - In the end I just ate the biscuits and walked away. Crime never pays girls. "

Image credits: father_of_daughters

“Our house is now known as ‘the place where silence came to die.’ It's also where you'll find carpets that are made up of 50% glitter and where there are more pink stuffed animals than at a color-blind taxidermy specialist’s. But I wouldn't change a thing. These people are my life,” Simon notes that his family means everything to him and that he can’t imagine his life without his wife and four daughters.

Those of you Pandas who are parents yourselves are bound to relate to a lot of Simon’s Instagram pics, as well as to the tales in his book. The chaos, endless hilarity, and fun that surrounds him in his daily life is something that a lot of parents will instantly recognize from their own lives. Family life means emotions running wild. And glitter. Glitter everywhere.


"Love is understanding when someone needs to have a blow out & not be a parent for a bit. Love is agreeing to your other half staying out for the night with friends via text at 10.30pm without arguing. Love is knowing 50% of the parenting team is rendered useless and being ok with it. Love is driving to get chicken nuggets & a chocolate milkshake when they resurface in the same clothes as the day before. Love is letting adult headache sufferers have a nap. Love is letting that nap turn into a sleep & convincing the kids mummy's gone out so inquisitive children stay away from closed bedroom door. Love is remembering all the above has been done for me before and & that the brownie points I earned today will once again be traded in when I'm in the same situation sometime in the future & my brain feels like its been put in a blender & made into an inedible smoothie. Love is in sickness & in health and hangovers definitely count as sickness!"

Image credits: father_of_daughters


"You know those moments in life when you turn around & see your partner not as the mother of your children, or the person who shouts at you for not doing the jobs you promised you do, but forgot about but instead as the person you're lucky enough to have love you despite all your faults? As we silently slipped out of the house to gorge on a slice of child free time & the baby sitter talked at length with the girls about YouTubers I've never heard of - I captured one of those moments. I'm sure that the summer solstice sunset in the background helped as well as the peonies that @mother_of_daughters lugged around (that look suspiciously like a photoshoot prop, but was actually a gift for a friend). What ever it was, I'm a lucky man."

Image credits: father_of_daughters


"Ever wanted to look like a slightly eccentric grandmother? Let your kids give you a make over..... If you have daughters (and even if you don't) there's a strong chance that your head has been commandeered as a make up practice surface where the phase "less is more" doesn't apply. In these circumatances, the use of eye liner is measured in gallons, foundation is wielded like fosting, lip gloss is liberally applied not only to the exterior of your luscious lips but also into your mouth (why?!) and glitter (otherwise known as the Satan's STD as you can't get rid of the sodding stuff) sets up home in your hair for the foreseeable future. At least I can now confidentially say I'm officially "the prettiest of them all" - and by "them" I assume she meant stupid dads who say yes to everything & secretly love getting make overs."

Image credits: father_of_daughters

Currently, Simon has a whopping 885k followers on Instagram. He started the Father of Daughters Instagram account in February 2016 after deciding that the world needs to see the reality of being a modern dad. His insights are honest, humorous, avoid any pretense, and it’s what keeps his followers eagerly waiting for new posts.

But what I’m truly jealous of is Simon’s seemingly endless energy! He seems to find the time for everything and I’ve got a suspicion he’s cracked the secret on living a truly good life.


""Daddy, I really want a fringe" ⠀
"Can you wait until tomorrow, it's late now and you're supposed to be in bed. It's 10pm"
45 minutes later.....⠀
"Daddy, I cut myself a fringe"⠀
"I give up.""

Image credits: father_of_daughters


"I've woken up to my fair share of strange things, but this morning took the biscuit. Somewhere between @mother_of_daughters leaving at 4.30am for work & 6.15am when I woke, Delilah decided to drag her half slumbering carcus the vast distance of 3 metres from her room to my room. The only problem was that her batteries were deader than a cheap toy the day after Christmas, so despite her best efforts, she literally fell at the last hurdle & instead decided to do a rather convincing impression of a door stop. So close & yet so far. Don't worry, she didn't have floor boards imprinted on her face - I transported her to my bed & spent the next 30 minutes with my arm slowly losing circulation as it was trapped under her unconscious frame, while she snored like an aging donkey with a sinus infection. All I could do was stare at the ceiling & think about that old 'Friends' episode tactic - "hug for her, roll for you" - man, I learnt so much from that show."

Image credits: father_of_daughters


"No, this is not a background extra milking their scene in some low budget B movie horror film. It's the moment when I was getting headshots taken for my book & Ottie decided she absolutely positively couldn't give me a moment to myself - transforming my moment, very much into her moment. Clemmie scooped her up seconds later & I can laugh at this now but it does remind me just how hard it can be to achieve the simplest of tasks when a wailing child is within close promixity."

Image credits: Father Of Daughters


""Right, are you all ready for bed?" "No." "Please just stay in bed, it's taken ages to get you in here - just tell me what you need & I'll get it." Too late, she's already gone and legged it down stairs, leaving my sprawling on the floor after a miss timed tackle. After some smashing & shouting, Delilah returns with an umbrella and sunglasses. "Why?" "Because my beds too hot & I want to stay cool"


Toddler logic is wonderful. Not sure if she meant 'querky cool' or 'temperature cool', but she nailed both in one go. "

Image credits: father_of_daughters


"No one ever asks you if you want to become a big brother or sister. it just kind of happens and before you know it, without having submitted a single application form, you're thrust into an unpaid job as a parent support worker with zero training & a benefits package that includes getting less attention & being left to fend for yourself. Some react to this new found responsibility as if they'd be told to drink a lethal cocktail of battery acid, snake venom and the tears of a 1000 orphaned puppies - they contort their faces at the very idea of the small people that share their DNA. Others are like Marnie. With no encouragement, they pick up the gauntlet & they become their friends, they pick them up when they're down, carry them when small legs get tired, make them smile when they're sad & they take their role of setting an example seriously. I have no idea where she came from, but she makes our lives just that little bit easier. Here's to big sisters and brothers everywhere - even the reluctant ones - you may not know it, but the littlest help is saving your parents sanity (and probably marriage!)."

Image credits: father_of_daughters


"So it seems that if you rip out a bathroom and just leave the bath in the garden because you're too lazy to sell it on eBay and give it enough time, it will become very 'on trend' - I was just 3 years ahead of the curve. Next stop, I'm going put a microwave in the bathroom and a dishwasher in kids bedroom. Watch this space - you'll all be doing it in 5 years time....probably. Seriously though, should I keep the bath in the garden? (I remember once someone ripping into me on my other account for having bath in the garden - I guess some people just have no style..."

Image credits: father_of_daughters


"Post vasectomy, the doctor gave me this advice - 'take it easy for a couple of days & try to just lie on the sofa", he then smiled and continued "but I know you've got 4 daughters, so that's unlikely. Just be careful". 24 hours later & with Clemmie reliving her youth by watching the Spice Girls & singing 'Wannabe' at the top of her lungs, I planned on following his advice. The timing was perfect - our new sofa from @sofadotcom arrived today, so my mission was to get some practice in for Fathers day & spend a considerable amount of time making a perfect imprint of myself on the cushions. The stage was set - a pizza & cold beer with in reaching distance & a strategically placed cold bag of sweetcorn for comfort - Bliss. This was the precise moment that I recieved an early fathers day gift - my first post op nut shot from Delilah (thanks Anya for capturing the moment). Luckily my tears just rolled off the wipe clean fabric. Fathers day will be spent attempting to set a new world record for being motionless while necking arnica & protecting myself. Wonderful."

Image credits: father_of_daughters


"There are moments during your life that seem so far removed from reality that you can't quite compute them and your brain turns into a sort of  underdone omelette. On my commute home, I had one such moment. While waiting for the tube, I looked up to find a 12ft post of @mother_of_daughters staring back at me - my brain basically shut down and I descended into fanboy mode. "That's my wife!" Of course, no one else cared, but I do. Being British, we don't crow about our achievements but I feel the need to share my pride of Clemmie and her hard work, so I will. From her blog that helped so many pregnant women, to her work at hospital, the books she's written, the body positivity messages she puts out there, her podcast she spent months to normalise all types of birth, the jewelry she helped design and the working partnerships she's built over the last 5 years like this one with @marksandspencer - she's amazing & I'm just glad I get to hang on her coat tails for the ride. Oh, and I also now I get to say that I'm married to a model - if only I could tell my 15 year old self - he be thrilled. 11 year anniversary tomorrow and like a fine wine, it just gets better as the years go by!"

Image credits: father_of_daughters


"I know you're not supposed to show your kids crying or upset, but when I came across this whilst scrolling through memories today, it was so real and representative of every walk or outing we ever go on, I just had to share it. Is it just me, or does her twin seem to have a smug look on her face about the whole incident? Leaves me wondering if she tripped on her own or was pushed by her carbon copy. Whatever happened, it looks like a prime candidate for caption competition to me...... Don't worry, I'm sure the mental scares have worn off by now......probably."

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"Despite donning my battered invisible parenting flack jacket which can deflect most of the stresses of life with children, there is one munition that it's powerless to stop & really should be be made illegal by leaders the world over. The prolonged whinging & whining that eminates for 3 year olds has the ability to cut through you like a surgeons knife & leaves you huddled naked in the foetal position, wishing it would all just stop. That's why this morning, after 3.5 hours of a sustained audio assault of dull droning directed at me for no particular reason, other than the sport of watching a grown man unravel, I found myself wishing I could go back to the simpler days. The days when they would lie in the baby bunk beds I constructed by stacking cribs on top of each other & I could be in their presence without wanting to eat my own ears. I know I shouldnt say this and perhaps this is rose tinted glasses, but I found that baby stage so much easier than the small shouty humans we've got right now. Sorry new parents, I think you've got the easy stage!"

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"No, you're not seeing double & you don't need a new glasses prescription - today my twins held another pair of twins and my phantom ovaries basically exploding all over the place. But while I exchanged war stories, tips and tricks with my first-time-parent friends over BBQ food and breast feeding breaks, we couldn't help but wonder: if you have a choice (which you don't), would you rather have twins as your first kids like my friends have or after you've got some kids under your belt like us? There's no right or wrong answer and both have their pros and cons but it's something I've often thought about - have twins first and you haven't nothing to compare it to so you just get on with it. Have twins after having 1 or 2 first and you have the experience but you also have other attention seeking offspring  to look after as well. What do you think's easier? (fyi theres nothing easy about multiples and hats off to the parents of these two - you're doing brilliantly. !)"

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"Here's to all the father's out there. To the fresh faced new dads & the ones who have war stories and experience lines. To the ones who act as human climbing frames, that fix broken things, that know all the lines to kids TV shows & that devour the kids left over food. To father's who strive to set benchmark of what men should be so high, that no future boyfriend's will ever match up. To the fathers who are a shoulder to cry on, not someone to cry about. To the dads that get on with life without making a drama, that stand in the middle of arguments instead of starting them, that counsel and guide the new generation to be better than themselves, that hold hands and give bear hugs that are accompanied with a good dose of beard rash. To the dads who stay at home, to the ones that work & to the ones that don't. To the dad's that tell terrible jokes & are a constant embarrassment to their offspring but see the fun in life, that smile and know that that they are doing their best for the ones they love. To every type of father there is out there - Happy father's Day - be proud you can call yourself 'dad' - it's a true privilege."

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"This little hand is no ordinary hand: When life's moving too fast and your focus is gone, when the noise is too much and your struggling to hear your own thoughts, When the world's too big and you're feeling insignificant, holding this little hand has the power to shrink it all down, to mute the world and to bring the cosmos to a grinding, momentary halt. Because this little hand, which I know so well, puts things into perspective and reminds me of what's actually important. Whether it's reaching out for reassurance, slowly stroking the back by neck while we hug, clasped in my hand for security, wiping a tear or squeezing my face, this little hand can make mountains crumble and tornadoes vanish on the breeze, with seemingly no effort at all. This little hand is the reason I'm proud to have people call me dad and reminds me how privileged I am to be able to play a part in the life of the person it's attached to. Hold their hands tightly before they stop asking to hold yours.

Not my normal kind of post I know, but I'm feeling feelings this evening and needed to write it down."

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"Making a plan the night before travelling with the family to festival is essentially making an exhaustive list of things that you're destined to fail at, ending in a collection of people related to eachother, crammed in car, all hating eachother. Everyone up by 7am - nope. Every needs to help with the jobs - 3 kids immediately vanish to watch the TV & one goes for a 45 minute shower. Only 1 bag each - we've moved everything we own 4 hours down the motorway. Be out of the house by 10am sharp - We shut the door while mentally signing family divorce papers at 12.30pm because we all hate eachother. No snacking in the car until at least an hour into the journey - all the crisps have been devoured within 3 miles of home. But we're here & despite bringng way too much stuff, everyone is happy, ready to shake off the routine and lose themselves to the music. Bring on @campbestival 2019!"

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"One day you're quietly getting on with life, the next you're being told that your daughter has been diagnosed with Type 1 Diabetes. In that moment, the world seemingly grinded to a halt. We're no strangers to the A&E waiting room, but this time it was different - this time it won't get better or be ok after being in a cast - this, unfortunately, is for life and that's the bit we're all slowly coming to terms with. The last week has been a whirlwind of hospital stays, meeting doctors, nurses, dietitians and a lot of quick learning and at the centre of it has been an extremely brave little girl who understandably has alot of questions. The hardest part is answering things like 'was this my fault? Did I do something wrong?" - and the answer is of course not - Type 1 just happens. The part I feel most guilty about is not seeing the signs, so thank god Clemmie was on the case - she put it all together, raised the alarm and got her into hospital before things became dangerous. It turns out there's been a recent rise in type 1 diabetes in children, so I wanted to highlight the symptoms to look out for - the 4 T's: 
1). Tired - extreme exhaustion and irritable behaviour 
2). Thirst - drinking alot more than usual 
3). Toilet - going to loo more frequently, especially at night 
4) Thinner - Marnie lost a lot of weight in a short space of time - I mistakenly put it down to a growth spurt. 

She's now insulin dependent which means quite a changes to our lives, but with the love and support of family and the wonderful @nhsmillion and @diabetesuk, we aim to make this as easy as possible for our little girl."

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"After extensive field testing last week, I can confirm 2 things: 1). Sir Isaac Newton was right and despite my best efforts to put Delilah in a lower earth orbit, Gravity does exist - even in France and 2). After 10 years of conducting these types of important holiday based scientific experiments that help push the human race forwards in our quest for advancement, @mother_of_daughters heart still flat lines and all that well earned colour in her skin from lying motionless of a sun lounger drains out of her quicker than a gallon of water poured into an old carrier bag that's just been used for archery practice. You would have thought shed be used to it by now - I'm doing it for the betterment of the human race! (And for the smiles on my daughter's face, obvs)."

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"There once was a girl, who had a little curl, right in the middle of her forehead. When she was good, she was very very good, but when she was bad....her tantrums had the power to boiled the worlds oceans in seconds, force planes to plummet from the skies like gravity propelled lead bullets and level cities to dust as the seismic ripples stretched out from its epic centre. If we were all perfect parents, we'd stop to sympathise and understand, but in reality, this is the point I give up, break out the biscuits and whack on the toddler crack (paw patrol) because frankly, sometimes I just don't have the patience to find out what nonsensical thing has set this small human bomb off. But this got me thinking. Perhaps we should forget nuclear fission or renewable power sources - if we could just harness the raw power given out by a tantruming 3 year old, we could solve the world's energy crisis in an afternoon. All we need is a large play group, some kids that can't share and some toys, but not enough to go around. Infinite energy & Noble prize, here I come! Oh hang, didn't monsters Inc already try something like this? Damn you Pixar!"

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"How do you go from pretending to be interested in hearing about the exploits of a Youtuber I've never heard of to struggling to explain gender reassignment surgery & the logistics of how you fashion a vagina out of penis? The answer - Talk to an 8 year old. Marnie is slap bang in the middle of the goldilocks zone of intrigue (much younger and she wouldnt think to ask, much older & she'd think she knew it all) which means in the last week along I've muddled my way through breast cancer, periods, mortgages, the age of the universe, what dreams are, time zones and how electricity is made. I swear If game shows ever run out of random general knowledge questions, they should battery farm the contents of 8 year olds minds as their ability to conjure up queries that leave you feeling thicker than a bank vault door & quietly asking google for the answers whilst on the toilet, is unmatched. Anyone else recently had a conversation with a child & suddenly thought "oh god, I'm out of my depth here, Im at the end of limited knowledge that I got from an article & now I'm talking s**t....""

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"What would you do if someone asked you what socks you'd like to wear today? Most normal people would probably pick some socks, right? Not my girls. I can only assume that the twins are dramatically behind on rehearsals for their Vegas show - 'Transparent magic' - as instead of picking socks, Ottie made like a junior contortionist / glamourous assistant, dislocated her spine and hid in a see through box. Then Delilah, the front man of this C grade 2 piece, promptly stood on it, shouted what I assumed were garbled magic words directly at me & waited for her sister to vanish. Hands down the worst trick in history. You can through the box girls. Suffice it to say, the only thing to vanish was my patience and Ottie went to nursery bare foot. "

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"At the grand age of 3, Delilah has had her first holiday romance. But I've not had to worry about where she's secretively snuck off to or who she's holding hands with, because the object of her affections is, in fact, me. Delilah has drowned me in a tusami of love and adulation and for the last 3 days has stuck to me like a shadow with separation anxiety on a really sunny day. We've now spent so much time in extremely close proximity to eachother that even though we dressed separately, we've started to look like mirror images of eachother (if the mirror in question gave you the ability to go back in time & see yourself as a child). So now that I have a mini me, what should we do? Hold the world to random for $100 million dollars obviously (said in a Dr. Evil voice). I wonder if we'll be BFF's back home or if this was just a holiday fling?"

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"Who would have thought that holding a starfish would be the thing to highlight the importance of remembering that twins are individuals. Despite looking that they've been cut from the pages of a real life 'spot the difference' book, they are most definitely not the same - they are unique in their own glorious ways. One is fearless, comes with a decibel warning & could easily charm you into buying a car with no engine for above the asking price & still make you think you'd got a good deal. The other is more reserved & thoughtful, which often leaves me wondering: is it hard to live in the shadow of a louder version of yourself? Do you feel pressure to live up to the actions of your genetic copy cat, so as not to be seen as different? So when faced with the prospect of holding a starfish for the first time ever, one jumped at the chance. And the other paused. In the end they both did it, but did she do it because she wanted to, or because her sister did it first? I have so many questions, but Either way, I'm proud of both of them for being who they are."

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"Ahhh, Lego - those little blocks that 1). help make imagination a reality and 2). Cause grown adults to cry like children who've been biten by a pissed off pet hamster when they stand on them. Between the ages of 6 and 10, I spent most of my time in my room building stuff, chuffed that I completed packs meant for ages 12 to 14. I want my girls to have the same sort of childhood I did so I've desperately tried to get them into it, but patience just doesn't seem to be something this generation has. Within 15 minutes, Marnie was project managing from the sofa, leaving me to relive my youth as I waded through a sea of plastic cubes waiting to piece the flesh on the underside of my feet. What did we manage to create in 30 minutes? A mess basically. Do your girls play Lego as mine just don't seem interested."

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"They said it was madness. They said it couldn't be done. They said twins parents were resigned to forever having to deal with kids fights over the who's turn it was sit on daddys shoulders and steer him by his ears / hair. Surely no one person could possibly give a shoulder rider to 2 children at once without assistance, a bionic exoskeleton & a spine made of steel girders that had been cold forged in cryponite. Well I'm here to tell you that they were wrong - and so the potentially Olympic sport of toddler lifting is born. Now excuse me while I look up local chiropractors and lie down "

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""Daddy what do you work at?" Boomed down the voice from up on high. It's Friday and I work from home which means I share my office with a house full of girls that think silence should be extinct. The conference call erupted into stifled laughter as I cursed my inability to hit 'mute' in a timely fashion. The truth is, not one of my girls really knows what I do for a job. For all the know, I could just lock the door and cover myself in ice-cream while singing Mariah Carey songs all day.
Mummy "catches babies", that's easy. Daddy is a lot more vague - "he looks at computers, talks on the phone loudly to people while mouthing the words 'go away' and waving his arms alot, and drinks tea all day." I've even heard clemmie say that I work in HR.....which i don't. I'm basically chandler bing - I'm a transpondster. Is this the case for everyone that works in an office. Is your job indescribable to kids? I bore myself when I describe mine....not exactly inspiring the next generation but it puts food on the table at least!"

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"Yes they are painting common house bricks which could be interrupted as lazy parenting, but let me explain. If there's 1 essential lesson I've learnt on this horizonless journey through parenthood, it's that sometimes it's ok to do less. Maybe it's just my girls, but there seems to be a clear inverse relationship between the amount of time I spend flogging myself to death to set up overly engineered dens, prefectly laid out tea parties & Michelin starred play doh restaurants that Giles Coran would rave about, and the time my attention deficient offspring actually play with the fruits of my labour. So that's why I'm now perfectly comfortable plonking a dusty old house brick on a table, letting the twins go to town with the poster paints & walking away - a brick or an empty box seems to trump a prefectly presented teddy bears picnic with matching cutlery any day of the week, so my message to you is - do less and be ok with it - embrace the law of diminishing returns, minimise effort & maximise returns! FYI - The irony of them mixing all the colours into a brown sludge & then paint the brick the same colour as it was before was totally lost of them, but I found it hilarious."

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"Here's a cost effective & stress free way of keeping the kids cool in the heat. Simply decide to rennovate your house & let builders move in for 7 weeks, covering everything a thin layer of dust that drives your wife insane while you live in 1 room with literally all your belongings. Continue by removing the one working bathroom you have & place all of the contents in the garden. Then wave your wife off to Glastonbury for 4 days & make paint colour decisions without her, knowing that you'll get it wrong & that if your whatsapp her with questions about moles breath vs. elephant dong (not a real colour fyi), you're not likely to get a response. Finally, as your lungs become more plaster than actual human tissue, hose a 2 day garden festival & fill the now alfresco traditional rolltop bath with a hose and let them go to town. In case you hadn't realised, this is neither cost effective nor stress free, but with the sun out, beer in hand & the door to my own domestic Armageddon closed, this almost feels like winning."

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"How to you get out of feeling down?
Social media gets a bad rep when it comes to impacting mental health, but I'm not sure that's all that fair. Now you may just see me as 'that dad who makes a joke out of everything' but what you probably haven't realised is that I use instagram as a sort of free open source therapy. I get to openly talk about my challenges, my hopes & my fears, laugh about them & then send them off into the void of cyber space, where I get feedback from others who've dealt with those same challenges whilst making others realise that we all struggle and it's ok to laugh about it. And yet, recently I've haven't been feeling myself. it's not that I'm unhappy, I just feel a bit 'blah', a bit flat...... - like nothing matters. For as long as I can remember, I've been the hype man, the positive one : I see the solutions where my girls see problems. I see opportunities where others may see barriers, I basically keep things moving, but something has changed & I can't put my finger on what it is. perhaps it's my job. Or the summer holidays. or the lack of sleep or exercise. Maybe I need to get back on my bike or find a new hobby. Maybe I'm not fulfillled in some way that I haven't been able to identify. whatever it is, I'm in a funk, so i'm looking to you for advice: how do you lift yourself out of a low point and get back to being you? I'm all ears as I've never experienced this before."

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"An hour before this picture was taken, we'd had a blazing row over who's turn it was to check the kids home work and why the house looked like a explosion at a homewares outlet. The kids were screaming, no one was helping and it escalated to the point no one wanted to be in each others company. Under these cicumstances, the smallest things are magnified X 100 and it's exerts pressure on all of us. A pressure that can be hard to cope with. Just know that behind closed doors, the vast majority of people struggle in some way or another, it's just a matter of degrees. So here's to those trying to balance it all - don't be too hard on yourself or eachother when you fail. You may hate eachother from time to time, but in end, it's the people around you that will get you through. If you're struggling at all, have a look at my stories from today. I hope it helps. "

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"Keep looking .........keep looking.......now you seem them!  This is just one of the ridiculous bed time routine stages that I seem to have to undertake EVERY NIGHT. Remember those days was you'd hold them in your arms, give them some milk and gaze at the beautiful face as they drifted off to sleep? Rose tinted glasses I'm sure, but over the years, the list of things I have to do to get them to go the f**kin' sleep has grown and now its just stupid. The process goes like this: I pretend that the two girls covered by towels on the floor are rocks and promptly sit on them, then I put them in a cupboard and pretend I don't know where they are and call their names whilst they giggle uncontrollably. Then it's a game of catch with a one eyes polar bear called poley, closely followed by 2 books (one of which HAS to be Where's Wally), then its a game space rockets (where I throw them as close to ceiling as possible -not recommended). Then it's an audio book which they argue about. Finally, hugs & kisses and just as I close the door, they get out of bed and start fighting - like UFC fighting. The whole process takes 60 minutes by which time my dinner is cold and I've lost the will to live. And who do I have to blame? Me. I did this. Its totally my fault because I keep saying yes. ( because I can't say no to playing with them - idiot father)."

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"Arrhh, the evening routine. 6 months ago this was a simple affair, but since then, I've introduced a complex series of actions that were meant to be 'one offs' to get them to bed, but have instead become staples of the witching hour. If I don't perform, the crowd protests & now it's a nightly variety show that I only have myself to blame for. I once wrapped them both in 1 big towel & carried them in a cotton cocoon quoting the very hungry caterpillar. Big mistake - Now it's a thing. Then I introduced a funny voice for their bed time story. Now it's 1 story each & multiple voices. Then I got duped into nightly shake down that involves 1 vigorous full body rub, followed by a slow rub & a stroke of the face. Then a specific set of nursery rhymes has to be performed by Google as they drink their milk (one has warm & the other cold). then it's lights out. Of course @mother_of_daughters doesn't have a clue about my 'routine' so when they ask for 'one big one', 'A towel cocoon' and 'the rumbly voice' she just stares, pauses and shouts "Simon! I have no idea what they want - why have you made this so complicated?! Just put them to bed and stop hyping them up! Whoops."

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"There comes a time in every parents life that have to face facts - The pile of baby clothes they've amassed over the last decade of procreation is now redundant as there are simply no more babies to hand them down to. For us, today was that day, so after mopping up the ocean of tears that accompanies this kind of earth shatter revelation, the next thing to do is organise into 3 piles: 1). Charity donations 2). give to friends and family & 3). sell. The only problem is that after 2 hours, every item that i pulled out of the musty bag we haven't seen for 5 years was met with "oh do you remember when she wore that to so & so's summer party?" Honestly, no I don't as in my experience, only the women in my life seem have the ability to remember what people wore at given points in time, but now that item has some kind of inreplacable sentimental value so it's going in pile 4). The keep pile, even though we don't need it. The only thing more frustrating was finding clothes we'd bought only for the kids to grow before they'd worn them. They still had the sodding tags on...... In the end it's all gone but my god, that was as long process!"

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"How do you make a complete dog's breakfast out of the making the dog's breakfast? The answer is by saying 'yes' to those 3 little words that have many parents recoil in terror - "can I help?" When a 3 year old offers you assistance, I find it's usually followed by a sharp intake of breath & a slow acceptance that I'm about to lose several minutes of my life, as the simple task I was about to perform without bothering my grey matter, is transformed into an over engineered, glacially paced project where time stands still but the aging process accelerates. Add twins to the mix, and your 1 man, 30 second job has to be subdivided into 28 micro tasks which can be allocated out, which is rapidly followed up by agruments, me redoing the whole thing & a chuckle brothers style 'to me, to you' carrying of an item that doesn't need 4 hands. Sorry Pablo, breakfast is now lunch."

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"Up rooting your family & setting up shop in a totally new location where you know literally no one can be daunting. It's also a compromise - not for everyone mind you, but at least one person in the decision making partnership won't be getting exactly what they want and in our case, it was me. I had my heart set on moving back to Bristol, to be close to my family and satisfy the country side of me by having my ears ring with the reassuring tones of that distinctive west country twang. But I swallowed my dreams and gave in for the love of my family and in hindsight, I am so glad I did. Yes, I'm further from my parents but on evenings like this as I strolled down the sandy Kent beaches with my girls & my little furry man, It doesn't feel like I conceded or gave in, it feels like we made the right decision for our family and any initial regrets drifted away with the tide a long time ago - In short, It feels like home. If you're on the fence about a move or nervous about a new start, the only way you'll every know is by jumping in with both feet and seeing if you can make it work - don't live with regrets or what might have beens - life is too short."

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"On the list of things I dislike, clothes shopping is right up there. In fact, I would rather have my nipples removed by rabid ferrets during a world wide shortage of anesthetic than set foot in a clothes shop. Yet my girls love nothing more than browsing for garms, so I usually find myself assuming my position on 'the man chair' outside the girls changing rooms with a vacant look across my face, waiting for a fashion show comprised solely of my daughter's. Today however, I made the mistake. I picked up a top & said I might buy it. Within seconds, the 5 women in my life sensed a might actually purchase clothes from this decade & instantly transformed into a hive personal shoppers. Fashion advice was bellowed across the shop & clothes were thrust into my arms accompanied with cries of 'you'd look great in this' as I mental totted up the expense on showing an interest in a £15 top. I'd become a human mannequin. 15 minutes later, I was paying for clothes i hadn't seen and was drenched in a stress related flash sweat that Niagara falls would have been jealous of. I'll just put all the clothes straight in the plastic box under my bed and give them to charity in 5 years time when I next see them."

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"For any parent to have something that resembles a break while on a family holiday, it usually means that someone else has to take the kids away, preferably either into a sound proof booth or into the next county. Today I was that someone else. So what do you do with 2 girls in the middle of the Devon country side while your wife & 2 older daughters induldge in shedding brain cells to "Mama Mia! Here we go again"? Go toddler friendly celebrity spotting of course! Now I'm obviously not talking about seeking out pop stars or watching some love islander from 'the side bar of shame' stumble out of a bar with their anatomy out, as 3 year olds don't give a shit about them. I'm talking about celebrities with 4 legs who live on farms because as we all know, if you're in 'old McDonald', to a toddler you are a triple A list celebrity god. I never thought I see a girl fan girl over a sheep or lose then mind as a cow walked passed, but there you go. Getting the autograph of the horse was taxing but we got there in the end. "

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"Has anyone else found getting their kids to eat anything that doesn't come in a brightly coloured wrapper this summer more challenging than tasking a one winged chicken to solve a 24 sided rubiks cube in the dark? Yeah, me too. That's why over the holidays I've been getting them more involved in that magical place where meals just materialise out of thin air and land in front of them, otherwise known as the kitchen. If your kid's involved in the cooking, they're more likely to eat the food, so I've given them 3 specific roles: Prep chef (which involves unpacking everything & hiding stuff like carrots in the dogs bed) quality assurance /food hygiene (eating raw ingredients that have dropped on the floor) & sink pig (washing up), where as my role is to oversee it all, which frankly is pretty simple with @goustocooking. It's all measured out beforehand & the instructions are so easy, a 3 year old sucking on dry pasta could follow them. It's now been 3 months of using gousto and it really has saved by our sanity this summer holiday & I'm sure it will do the same during term time! Click on the link my bio to give it a go with 50% off your first order & 30% off the rest of the month using code 'FOD50' and get a bit of your sanity back in the process. "

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"14 years ago, while in a nightclub with floors so sticky, they could have been used as industrial fly paper, I stumbled across this girl that literally took my breath away. She'd been dancing frantically & was now bar
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